Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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