I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
