theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
