It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
