Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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