i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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