I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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