I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
