Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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