he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
