fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
