Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
