3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
