I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
