forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
