Yo dont text me then not text me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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