So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
