awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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