On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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