Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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