No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
