i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
