just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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