I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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