Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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