As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
