It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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