Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
