1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
