...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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