He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
