she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i will never coherently bang her
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
