Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Randomize
