If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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