she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
