she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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