She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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