headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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