y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
