I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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