Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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