if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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