dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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