i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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