so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
