Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
