im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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