I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
