I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
