Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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