I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
