just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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