So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
