Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It was a blind-side dick pic.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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